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Here at The Schmooze we are open-opportunity objectifiers: male or female, fat or thin, young or old, born Jew or convert, we do not discriminate when it comes to investigating the lives and opinions of Jews in pop culture. We will judge everyone equally, but we will judge everyone.

So when actor and comedian Jonah Hill made headlines for his obvious weight loss, we yawned: more or less, body fat can’t make us laugh or cry or spark a feminist debate. As long as Hill has a Jewfro upstairs and a foreskin-free downtown he will always be one of our own.

However, in this case we must step in. Denizens of the internet are calling Hill “unrecognizable.” Writer Dana Schwartz tweeted that Hill is mistakable for Patrick Dempsey. Many other tweets compare him to Bradley Cooper. Many news outlets are skirting the weight loss issue entirely by calling Hill “buff”, rather than wading into the controversy of weight loss. Many are responding to the fact that, in recent pictures, Hill looks strangely haunted. One person tweeted, “All this time and I still think Jonah Hill and Seth Rosen are the same guy.”

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THAT’S ENOUGH.

First of all, if there was a celebrity named “Seth Rosen” we would know and we would have a ton to say on the topic.

Secondly, if Jonah Hill looks like Bradley Cooper it is because they both have an icy intensity in their eyes that looks like sex on Cooper and nihilistic despair on Hill, probably because Hill is Jewish. (It’s hot on both.)

Third, it is hilarious that Hill is being compared to Patrick Dempsey, the “Grey’s Anatomy” star whose face will be the first we present to the aliens when they land to encourage good will, because Jonah Hill himself has said that he is deeply attracted to Dempsey. In a borderline lascivious introduction for Dempsey at a gala in 2011, Hill said, “He is the sexiest man alive and I can tell you why. It’s just because he is.” Having made this excellent point, Hill continued, “Literally, he is sex on a stick…he is so gorgeous. He is a personal inspiration to me.” Now that some are comparing Hill to Dempsey, will Hill throw a gala in his honor announcing that he is sex on a stick?

Fourth, the question of Hill’s physical changes are not whether or not he is hot but whether or not he is happy. And more importantly, whether or not we are happy. Will Hill still be playing the schlumpy weirdos we love to watch? Or will he only be able to find work as Bradley Cooper’s body double or as a men’s tank top model? Granted, Hill looks unhappy in the one image that has been released of him since his dramatic change, but maybe that’s because he is holding a disgusting-looking smoothie that probably cost more than a couch.

Ultimately, Jonah Hill is and always has been hot, funny, and successful. We look forward to judging him mercilessly for his comedy and poor facial hair choices for many years to come.

Jenny Singer is a writer for the Forward. You can reach her at Singer@forward.com or on Twitter @jeanvaljenny.

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