How to talk about Israel with someone you disagree with
4 months of war have heightened my moral clarity — and my commitment to listen
Pro-Israel activists counter demonstrate a Pro-Palestinian rally in New York City. Photo by Stephanie Keith/Getty Images
Elliot Cosgrove February 13, 2024
In the four months since Hamas’ inhumane Oct. 7 attack on Israel, I have developed more — not less — moral clarity.
No matter what is being said in the newspapers, on social media, on college campuses, in the International Court of Justice or on city streets, my moral compass is steady. I stand by the Israel Defense Forces’ campaign to root out Hamas, free the captives and secure Israel’s future.
I recall the atrocities committed that Black Shabbat. I remember the sights and smells when I visited the burnt-out communities in Israel’s south and listened to the testimony of survivors. I think of the more than 100 hostages still in captivity — no contact or communication with the outside world and, based on testimony from the hostages who have been released, subject to unspeakable acts of physical, psychological and sexual violence.
I piece together the ongoing rocket fire from Gaza and from Hezbollah in the north, as well as the attacks from the Houthis in Yemen, and I reject any David/Goliath, oppressed/oppressor, liberator/colonialist narrative. The actions of Iran and its proxies make clear that it is the destruction of Israel, not the liberation of the Palestinians, that is their goal.
I am heartbroken at the Palestinian lives disrupted, destroyed and displaced, just as I mourn the loss of every Israeli civilian and soldier. Every life is created equally and in the infinite dignity of a God of all creation, who I believe is shedding tears for all God’s children in this dark hour.
The displays of smug celebration by IDF soldiers in the face of human suffering, as reported by The New York Times last week, are obscene and should be shut down without delay. To not be heartbroken is to be inhuman.
These are my views — clear, unequivocal and steadfast.
The challenge we face is how to relate to those for whom the truths that I hold to be self-evident are not self-evident at all. Those whose views, sympathies and histories differ from our own.
The grandchild of Holocaust survivors who was on a hunger strike at Brown University in solidarity with Palestinian suffering. The Jewish employees of Jewish nonprofits who signed a petition calling for a ceasefire. The Jewish social justice activist who believes they have not only the right but the obligation to call out perceived wrongs committed in the name of the Jewish state.
I know where I stand. But how do we stand with those members of the wider community who stand for something else? Are there rules of engagement on responding to that squirm-inducing moment when encountering a view different from one’s own?
Rule No. 1: Judge generously.
You may be breathing the same air as the person in front of you, but you inhabit different worlds. Maybe you came of age under the shadow of the Shoah or the 1967 War. Remember that millennials and members of Gen Z know nothing of the history of Arab rejectionism — only a strong Abraham Accord, “startup nation” Israel that is in control of who gets what access to what piece of land.
In the digital era, the sources informing that person’s reality are also different. Their news is not your news; their social media feed is not yours. Their views need not reflect evil, ill-will or self-hate; they believe what they believe because they believe it to be so.
Rule No. 2: Reject thought police.
As every parent knows, sometimes the hardest and most important thing to do is … absolutely nothing. Coming down hard on a developing mind risks having the opposite effect than intended. Not every idea is worthy of airing. But within some guardrails — let’s say, the goal of a secure, democratic and Jewish state — there is more than one way to get there.
There are questions that can and should be debated: Should Israel’s primary goal be to topple Hamas or free the hostages? How many lives lost are too many for either goal? Can one support Israel’s right to self-determination and still object to its government?
Such questions are not betrayals. They are being debated in real time by Israelis who are sending their children into harm’s way. And we American Jews also have a stake in their outcome.
Counterintuitive as it sounds, it is especially at this moment that left-leaning Jewish organizations play an important role. With many on the left branding anyone who supports any version of a Jewish nation-state a sellout, Jewish groups with proven credentials in progressive circles are the only ones who have a fighting chance to find allies for the Jewish people.
Now is positively not the time to scold someone for expressing a different view of Israel and the resolution of its conflict with the Palestinians. We have real enemies to fight — let’s waste no energy picking someone off from within our own ranks.
Rule No. 3: Ask a good question.
A well-placed question can prompt another person to interrogate their position and emerge from the tired and toxic slogans that dominate their social media feed. It can help you figure out the person’s intent, and build dialogue and trust.
Here are a few to start with:
- I hear your calls for a ceasefire, and I want peace as much as you. But don’t you think that if your demands for a ceasefire were preceded by a demand for the hostages to be released, those demands would be practically and morally stronger?
- I understand your outrage over proportionality. But how do you explain the fact that the same people accusing Israel of war crimes cannot bring themselves to name the atrocities of Oct. 7?
- I hear you chanting for Palestinian liberation. I also believe in a two-state solution. But when I hear, “from the river to the sea,” I’m concerned about the line blurring between championing Palestinian self-determination and calling for the destruction of the Jewish state. It is not clear to me. Is it clear to you?
As with so many things, more important than what you say is how you say it. The exchange itself may not change anyone’s mind, but it will be part of their experience as they post their next post, attend their next rally or engage with a friend whose views are even farther from yours. And whatever they say in response to your questions should likewise animate your next public statement, action or conversation.
At the very least, you should have situated that person’s views in their humanity, and they should have situated your views in your humanity.
I know what I believe. In many cases, those who hold views different than my own are mishpacha, family. And family is family. We make room for each other’s views, ask each other good questions, and listen to each other’s answers.
A message from our CEO & publisher Rachel Fishman Feddersen
I hope you appreciated this article. Before you go, I’d like to ask you to please support the Forward’s award-winning, nonprofit journalism during this critical time.
At a time when other newsrooms are closing or cutting back, the Forward has removed its paywall and invested additional resources to report on the ground from Israel and around the U.S. on the impact of the war, rising antisemitism and polarized discourse..
Readers like you make it all possible. Support our work by becoming a Forward Member and connect with our journalism and your community.
— Rachel Fishman Feddersen, Publisher and CEO
