BINTEL BRIEFHow do I get this intrusive synagogue board member to leave me alone?
Here’s Bintel’s step-by-step guide to setting boundaries — physically, verbally and in your head
How to get someone to back off: Set your boundaries. Illustration by Canva/Beth Harpaz
By Beth Harpaz October 30, 2024
A Bintel Brief, Yiddish for a bundle of letters, has been solving reader dilemmas since 1906. Send yours via email, social media or this form.
Dear Bintel,
I am on my synagogue’s board. A man on the board makes me uncomfortable. His wife was my mentor when I first started on the board, and I got friendly with his daughter, who has severe social anxiety.
But now this man seems to expect me to become the daughter’s best friend and bring her out of her shell. He brings it up every time we run into each other at shul.
It’s not that I don’t want to hang out with her, but it’s been a rough year. I’ve lost two beloved pets and have my own mental health struggles, which leave me drained and burned out. I am quite open about all this, but it has not stopped this man.
After one of the pet deaths, he hugged me out of nowhere. No warning, no hello, no asking if it was OK. I was in the middle of talking to other people at the time. That made me incredibly uncomfortable though I’m sure it was well meant.
After a recent board meeting, we made small talk and I mentioned that I was under a lot of stress and training my new puppy. His response was something to the effect of “humans are good company, too.” The dig at me was obvious and has left me seething.
I am ready to cut ties with him, but I’m not sure this is the best route since he is clearly not socially graceful and may not take well to me just avoiding him. It seems too petty to bring up to the board’s executives, and I don’t want to ruin the relationship with his daughter, who has done nothing wrong.
How do I even go about keeping my peace without inviting drama here?
Signed,
Lost in the Mishegas
Dear Lost,
You don’t have to cut ties, hide, go to the board or involve anyone else in what you call “drama.” You can get this guy to back off by clearly setting your boundaries — physically, verbally and in your head. Here’s how:
First, end the chitchat. Don’t share details on how you spend your time or what’s happening in your life. The less you say about yourself, the better. No more descriptions of your struggles, your pets, your losses. Don’t feed the beast by supplying fodder for follow-ups. Keep your private business private.
If he asks unsolicited questions — “Why haven’t you called my daughter?” or “How are you doing this week?” — say, with a neutral expression, “All good, super busy. Take care!” and walk away.
Fending off physical contact
Next, I wish it weren’t up to you to fend off unwanted physical contact, but you can take control of this situation by setting physical boundaries that will send the message loud and clear. To nonverbally repel hugs, turn away and if possible, start a conversation with someone else (“Myrna, so nice to see you!”). If you’re standing face to face, put your arms akimbo or hold your bag in front of your chest.
If he comes in for a hug anyway, put your hand out — the universal “stop” sign — and say, in a commanding tone, “No hugs, please.” If he starts to corner you, back up and loudly say, “Please give me some space.”
If you’re not comfortable being so blatant about the unwanted hugs, wear a mask and say you’re paranoid about COVID. It’s an easy hack that works wonders when you want people to stay away (and of course, it’s a legit way to protect your health).
If he apologizes or questions you, shrug and walk away. If you feel you must respond, or if he comes after you with some inane comment like, “Are you mad at me?” (which he might), say, “I’m not a hugger.”
If he tries to defend his behavior — “I’m just trying to be nice!” — you can respond, “I understand,” or “I hear you.” But do not engage in a back-and-forth. Make your statement assertively and dismissively, then end the conversation.
If he persists with unwanted physical contact, it would be reasonable to report this to the board chair as sexual harassment, but I don’t think that will happen.
Your needs vs. someone else’s
As for his daughter, you are not in charge of solving her problems. But you also don’t need to cut her off because her dad is annoying. Do not let him direct your relationship with her. If you feel like connecting with her, text, email or call her directly. If you’re not up to seeing her, don’t.
Will your withdrawal hurt her feelings — or has it already? Probably. But getting together with someone out of guilt is never a good idea. Do it with a full heart and with joy, or don’t do it at all. If you’re only talking to her because you feel sorry for her, that’s no kind of friendship. Nobody wants to be your charity project.
If the dad asks why you haven’t been in touch with the daughter, say something neutral like, “I’ve got a lot on my schedule; hope she’s doing OK.” If you’re up to it, it would of course be kindest to tell her directly why you’ve been out of touch, perhaps saying you’re overwhelmed by your own challenges.
Drawing boundaries can feel uncomfortable, partly because there is selfishness involved, and you sound like a person who tries to put other people’s feelings ahead of your own. But the only person who can ensure that you are not imposed upon is you. When your gut says, “I don’t want to —” interact with this person, get together with this person, explain yourself to this person — listen to your gut.
Give yourself permission to build walls, walk away and take care of your own needs. And enjoy that puppy.
Signed,
Bintel
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