BINTEL BRIEFThis father is fed up with his anti-Zionist kid — and they’re not even Jewish
Bintel says please don’t be like Tevye, who sat shiva for his living daughter
A father and daughter disagree on Israel. Illustration by iStock/Canva/Beth Harpaz
By Beth Harpaz October 10, 2024
A Bintel Brief, Yiddish for a bundle of letters, has been solving reader dilemmas since 1906. Send yours via email, social media or this form.
Dear Bintel,
My 17-year-old daughter and I have almost completely different views on Israel. I am a right-wing South African Christian who is pro-Israel and she is a left-wing atheist who is pro-Palestine.
We try not to talk about politics in general, but our different views regarding Israel are starting to strain our relationship. The times we have discussed Israel, we had lengthy heated arguments which left both of us angry and ignoring each other for the rest of the day.
We’re both incredibly stubborn people, so changing her opinion on Israel is impossible; trust me, I’ve tried.
Our relationship is already not doing well due to our political differences, but I fear this might be the last straw for both of us.
Sincerely,
Fed-Up Dad
Dear Dad,
If this letter were from your 17-year-old daughter, I’d be more sympathetic. A teenager doesn’t have the maturity to understand what’s at stake here: a lifelong relationship with the person who brought her into this world and who’s supposed to provide unconditional love.
But this letter is from a grown man who should know better. You’re telling me you would destroy your relationship with your kid over another country’s politics? I’m particularly surprised since you’re neither Israeli nor Palestinian, and you do not suggest you have any personal connection to the Holy Land. This kind of generational divide comes up a lot in Jewish circles, and my advice is always: Find a way to exchange perspectives without rancor, indeed with love and respect.
Honestly, as a parent myself, I can’t even fathom how you can type the words “this might be the last straw for both of us.” Are you saying you’re kicking her out when she turns 18 because you disagree on Israel? That you’ll offer no support as she makes her way in the world? If she marries you won’t attend the wedding, and if she has kids, they won’t have you as a grandpa? Every birthday and Christmas, for the rest of your life, you’ll pretend your daughter never existed? What a lonely old man you’ll be.
I wonder if you ever had a serious conflict with your parents growing up. Our family had plenty: over the Vietnam War, over Donald Trump, over racist and sexist points of view. We worked through them, or we agreed to disagree, but we never considered anything a potential “last straw,” because that’s not how families work. I urge you to be the grown-up in the room and not turn every shocking thing a teenager says or does into World War III. Instead, try: “We’ll have to disagree on that,” and change the subject or walk away.
In the Sholom Aleichem stories that inspired Fiddler on the Roof, Tevye sits shiva, as Jews do when a loved one dies, after his (living) daughter Chava marries a non-Jew. This practice still goes on in some insular Orthodox Jewish communities when people leave the fold, intermarry or come out as gay.
But in the movie version of Fiddler, Tevye struggles with his decision to reject Chava, saying, “Can I deny everything I believe in? On the other hand, can I deny my own daughter?” When Chava comes to say goodbye in the final scene, Tevye appears to have come around, telling her, “God be with you.” Maybe you should watch the movie and see if you, too, can find it in your heart to accept a daughter who represents the opposite of everything you believe in.
I sincerely hope that in the end, you choose love and family over anger and ultimatums. It’s fine to stand up for your opinions, but if you can’t put your principles and bullheadedness aside — as Tevye ultimately did — in the name of love, in the name of a father’s duty to his child, well, then — Bintel can’t help you.
Signed,
Bintel
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