BINTEL BRIEFMy friend is making antisemitic comments. What should I say? PS: I’m not Jewish
Bintel says call her out, draw your boundaries and walk away if necessary
What do you do when you don’t want to hear your friend’s antisemitic comments? Illustration by Liana Finck
By Beth Harpaz June 6, 2024
A Bintel Brief, Yiddish for a bundle of letters, has been solving reader dilemmas since 1906. Send yours via email, social media or this form.
Dear Bintel,
My best friend is turning more and more antisemitic and I don’t know how to handle it. Just for context, neither of us is Jewish and we live in a country with a small Jewish community.
We have been friends since the age of 7, and she was always very left-leaning. A while ago, she started spreading really weird stuff that kind of seem like antisemitic dog whistles, like saying World War II is talked about too much and making Instagram posts with a destroyed Israeli flag. Once when we were on a trip, she took a picture of a synagogue that’s protected by the police and captioned it, “What a waste of money.”
Visiting Paris, we passed by a group of kippah-wearing men and she said, 100% seriously: “If they always behave like this, I get why they’re hated.” This open bigotry really shocked me because we’re both minorities as well, and she wouldn’t say similar things about anybody else. (She’s also a member of a diversity club that heavily promotes solidarity between minorities.)
I tried to argue with her about stuff like that, but she just doesn’t listen. I know that she’s really terrible for these views but at the same time she’s so kind and intelligent. What could I do in this situation — or should I just distance myself?
Signed,
Upset by Antisemitism
Dear Upset,
Call it out for what it is and don’t hide your reaction. But do it with compassion and understanding.
You can try saying things like: “What exactly do you mean by that?” “That sounds like a stereotype to me.” “Are you prejudiced against Jews?”
Tell her that you disagree with what she’s saying and that you’re stunned by what you see as bigotry. And: that her friendship matters to you, and that you know she is intelligent and kind.
You say you are both members of minority groups, so maybe turn the tables. Ask how she’d feel if someone said something like that about your ethnic group. If that would offend her, how can she justify her comments about Jews?
If she doubles down, draw your boundaries: “If you’re not willing to reconsider your opinions, then at least keep them to yourself.”
If she keeps her views quiet, then you’ll have to decide if you can still enjoy her company knowing what she might be saying when you’re not around.
There are plenty of people with whom I disagree on certain hot-button issues where I turn a blind eye if I must interact with them — relatives, neighbors, coworkers, and yes, even a few old friends I don’t see often. If the topic we disagree on comes up, I redirect the conversation or simply say, “I’ve told you before that I’m not OK with that.”
You don’t say what country you live in, but here in the U.S., we’re big on baseball. And in baseball, it’s one, two, three strikes, you’re out. So if you’ve reminded her a couple of times where you stand, and she keeps making these offensive statements, it’s time to end the relationship.
You can either fade away — don’t initiate invitations and don’t respond to hers, or say you’re busy — or you can lay it out honestly: “I’ve repeatedly asked you not to make those kinds of statements because I find them offensive and morally wrong. It hurts that you won’t respect my request to stop.”
And hey — your allyship is appreciated.
Beg to differ? Send your advice for Upset by Antisemitism to [email protected], or submit a question of your own via this anonymous form.
YOUR TURN
A recent advice-seeker asked Bintel whether an adult child should go to court to stop their father from scattering their mother’s ashes in Israel. Bintel said the adult child should work on processing their own grief while letting Dad do what he wants and finding a way to heal their relationship.
Here’s what some of our readers said:
- “Sage advice about the ashes. Healthy for everyone and a way forward to continue having a relationship.”
- “If this were my father, I would travel with him or help finance a sibling to travel with him to ensure that he both reaches his destination and returns home safely.”
- “If your father is so determined to go to Israel, why not bury your mother there as so many do and follow Jewish law.”
A message from our Publisher & CEO Rachel Fishman Feddersen
I hope you appreciated this article. Before you go, I’d like to ask you to please support the Forward’s award-winning, nonprofit journalism during this critical time.
We’ve set a goal to raise $260,000 by December 31. That’s an ambitious goal, but one that will give us the resources we need to invest in the high quality news, opinion, analysis and cultural coverage that isn’t available anywhere else.
If you feel inspired to make an impact, now is the time to give something back. Join us as a member at your most generous level.
— Rachel Fishman Feddersen, Publisher and CEO
