Sex tips from the Talmud, just in time for Valentine’s Day
Valentine may have been a saint, but passion was alive and well before Christianity
It may not look hot, but the Talmud can be kind of sexy, I swear. Graphic by Mira Fox/iStock
By Mira Fox February 8, 2024
People often think religion is puritanical: anti-sex, anti-indulgence, anti-romance. But really, at least in the West, all of that comes from Christianity. They’re the ones who invented original sin, nuns and a celibate priesthood. They certainly didn’t get those ideas from their Jewish predecessors. Because in Judaism — especially in the Talmud — sex rules the day.
St. Valentine was the saint of “courtly love” — think Arthurian myths, Lancelot embarking on quests for Gweneviere, fighting dragons for the chance to kiss a lady’s ring. Unconsummated romance, basically. That’s perhaps why Valentine’s Day, in the modern world, is a holiday about boxes of chocolates and bouquets of red roses — not about passion.
The closest thing to “courtly love” in Judaism is probably Jacob working a total of 14 years for the chance to marry Rachel, after being tricked into marrying her sister Leah. Or maybe King David, uh, arranging for Bathsheva’s husband Uriah to die in battle so that he could marry her freely after impregnating her — if you think that’s romantic. (I don’t.)
For the most part, though, Judaism is more pragmatic about love. The Talmud certainly has its issues, and proposes plenty of limitations — see: bacon and masturbation — but it is not shy about actual intercourse. Sure, at points the rabbis prophesize all sorts of ills to come out of bad sex (which includes, variously, sex both standing up and sitting down), but they also have some pretty solid advice. So let’s take a look in preparation for a very Jewish Valentine’s Day.
You have to take your clothes off (Ketubot 48a)
Despite the many conspiracies — aided in large part by the TV series Unorthodox — that observant Jews have sex through a sheet with a hole in it, the Talmud is in fact extremely clear that sex should occur naked.
“There must be close bodily contact during sex,” the rabbis write; if a husband refuses, he must offer his wife an immediate divorce, repaying her dowry.
Why? Because sex should be intimate — which is to say, not merely for procreation. You should enjoy your partner’s body fully, and never make them feel ugly, even implicitly. Solid advice. The rabbis do tell you to keep the lights off though.
Feel free to experiment (Nedarim 20b)
If you’re married, the many prohibitions on what kind of sex is OK go more or less out the window, at least according to this passage. The rabbis of the Talmud compare the idea of limiting sex within a marital relationship with a man who has bought meat or fish — no one is going to tell him how he can spice it. Sure, it’s a somewhat tasteless (sorry!) metaphor, but you get it.
“In what way is this case different from a fish that one may eat any way he wishes?” says Yehuda HaNasi. (The passage goes on to belabor the metaphor, suggesting many ways to prepare fish and meat — perhaps the rabbis were hungry as they considered this issue.)
So spice it up! The rabbis say a husband and wife can engage in any kind of sex they want — oral, anal, whatever — even though it might violate the usual prohibitions on “spilling seed” in a way that cannot lead to pregnancy. Sex, this implies, is about pleasure, not just procreation.
No sloppy sex, no angry sex (Mishneh Torah, Forbidden Intercourse 21)
“Our Sages forbade a person from engaging in relations with his wife while his heart is focused on another woman. He should not engage in relations while intoxicated, nor while quarreling, nor out of hatred. He should not engage in relations with her against her will when she is afraid of him.”
This one is pretty simple to understand: Sex when angry, drunk or without consent is bad sex. Same with sex where you wish your partner was someone else. It feels bad and it’s invariably disappointing, so skip it.
The unemployed must offer sex daily (Ketubot 61b)
The Talmud saw a woman’s right to sex as a central part of a marriage; a husband is not allowed to deprive his wife of sex. If he does — without her agreement — he has to divorce her immediately because a lack of sex will cause her to suffer.
But the sages were reasonable; after all, sometimes people have to travel, or are tired. So they laid out rules, breaking down how often a man must provide his wife with sex (if she wants it), based on their profession.
The unemployed must offer daily; no playing video games or reading until you’re too tired for your wife. Physical laborers, on the other hand, might reasonably be too tired from a day of bricklaying or farming, so they’re only required to have sex with their wife twice a week. Students are required to return home to satisfy their wives at least once a month; sailors get six months — the ocean is, after all, large.
The main take-home here? Sex isn’t sinful, but celibacy is. And just as importantly, women’s sexual pleasure is mandatory, so you should probably learn what she likes.
Sex is part of Shabbat joy (Mishneh Torah, Sabbath 30:14)
People often say it’s a “double mitzvah” to have sex on Shabbat. Why? Because there are two commandments involved — both the exhortation to be fruitful and multiply, and the instruction to enjoy Shabbat. “Sexual relations are considered a dimension of Sabbath pleasure,” the rabbis write.
Going back to our previous list of how often different professions should have sex, the rabbis of the Talmud say Torah scholars should have sex at least once a week, on Shabbat; they are holy men and that will add to their holiness.
Once again, we see that sex is considered joyful and pleasurable — for both parties. There’s none of this Christian idea that physicality is sinful, and love is purely of the mind.
Instead, the sages depict sex as an essential part of love and intimacy with your partner. And isn’t their vision of romance a lot more fun than some red roses?
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