I know I’m grieving. Why can’t I express it? Graphic by Yoav Einhar

The Patient: Jill is a married nonprofit professional in her 40s. She’s based in Chicago and has some family and many friends in Israel; she travels back and forth fairly often. 

The Problem: In the early days of the war, Jill was glued to the news. She was crying multiple times a day, was having a hard time eating and sleeping, and was distracted at work. And then it just stopped. She’s watching even more horrific footage and reading even bleaker media coverage now than she was then — so why can’t she shed a tear?

The Prescription: First of all, nothing is wrong with you. What you are feeling is what you are feeling. 

Emotions don’t follow a logic model. And the course of big feelings like rage and grief is rarely linear. Right now you’re numb. At some point in the future, you may experience unexpected waves of grief. That’s just the way it goes.

There is only so much trauma and violence that one can endure before going numb and becoming desensitized. It’s not necessarily a negative reaction, or a sign that something isn’t right. 

In fact, for many of us, the psychic intervention of numbness after the experience of extreme pain can be a lifesaving mechanism. It helps us come back to a place where we can function enough to get by. If you were glued to the news without sleeping or eating for two weeks straight, a little bit of dulling and numbness may reflect a highly functioning protective psychological framework. 

I was recently talking to a prominent Israeli film director about a project he is creating related to Oct. 7. He told me that there were more than 20,000 eyewitness videos released on Oct. 7 and 8 alone. 

20,000. That’s in addition to news stories, TV segments, interpersonal conversations — an absolute flood of input. In terms of our sensory and perceptual capacities as humans, this is inundation. While the Russia-Ukraine war is perhaps the first to have been described as taking place on social media, these last few months of Israel-Gaza war will be written about as yet another level of that — a true information and opinion bombardment. 

Has it made us smarter? Has it made things better in any way to have this level of constant images and information? The jury is out. But it has certainly exhausted many of our emotional resources.

Many of us have also experienced some sense of duty or obligation to not look away. Not from the atrocities committed by Hamas on Oct. 7, and not from the images of civilian Gazans suffering under Israel’s bombardment. 

But it is also impossible to keep seeing this level of violence and suffering without becoming desensitized to it. 

We all have differing thresholds, emotionally and physically, and turning off the screens when it gets too much is a meaningful and necessary act of self care and resilience. 

Finally, don’t blame yourself for not continuing to grieve outwardly. That grief will continue to move through you in waves over time. 

Are you struggling with a personal dilemma regarding Israel and its war with Hamas? Send a query to [email protected] and Libby may reach out to you for a future column or podcast.

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