Skip To Content
JEWISH. INDEPENDENT. NONPROFIT.
Culture

Alex Rodriguez Admits to Kabbalah Use

[ ![][2]][2]

In a tearful televised confession, New York Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez yesterday confirmed long-rumored allegations of performance-enhancing kabbalah use during a live interview with ESPN baseball analyst Peter Gammons. Citing pressure to stay competitive, Rodriguez acknowledged resorting to the practice of esoteric Jewish mysticism on multiple occasions since being introduced to its mysterious and perplexing power by pop chanteuse and rumored paramour Madonna, a prominent Kabbalangelist.

Two: The number of aspects of the Divine in Kabbalah. Image by GETTY IMAGES

“I want to apologize to the fans,” said Rodriguez. “I was young and naïve. It was a loosey-goosey time in baseball and I thought the shining light of the Zohar would give me that push I needed, without over-investigating what I was studying, to get me to the next level.”

Rodriguez maintained that he did not know precisely what kabbalistic aids he made use of, explaining that such knowledge belongs exclusively to the realm of “Ein Sof” — the “Sefirah” or “emanation” of God that is without limit and beyond human understanding.

But recent urine tests indicated the presence in his system of Sodolan, a potent klippot-blocker known to break down the primeval “husks” of impurity that can inhibit spiritual growth and bat speed. “I knew I wasn’t taking Hamantashen,” Rodriguez acknowledged, refusing to go into further detail.

The revelations came as rabbinical authorities moved to indict controversial Kabbalah coach and Madonna confidante Feivel “Rav Berg” Gruberger, of the Los Angeles-based Kabbalah Centre, on charges of illicitly trafficking in red kabbalah wristbands and kabbalah-inspired injunctions against demon-sperm-producing male masturbation. Rodriguez refused to confirm whether Gruberger was his supplier.

Kabbalah use, along with Jobu worship and various other forms of performance-boosting transmundane rituals, is officially barred by Major League Baseball, though no punishment is currently in place. Side effects of kabbalah include possession by dybbuks and severe hypogonadism.

“Kabbalah has been very, very good to me,” an emotional Rodriguez declared on the program. “But it’s a dead end. I want to tell all the kids out there to stay off the K.”

[]: https://forward-hcl50.orc.scoolaid.net/backward-purim/

A message from our Publisher & CEO Rachel Fishman Feddersen

I hope you appreciated this article. Before you go, I’d like to ask you to please support the Forward’s award-winning, nonprofit journalism during this critical time.

We’ve set a goal to raise $260,000 by December 31. That’s an ambitious goal, but one that will give us the resources we need to invest in the high quality news, opinion, analysis and cultural coverage that isn’t available anywhere else.

If you feel inspired to make an impact, now is the time to give something back. Join us as a member at your most generous level.

—  Rachel Fishman Feddersen, Publisher and CEO

With your support, we’ll be ready for whatever 2025 brings.

Republish This Story

Please read before republishing

We’re happy to make this story available to republish for free, unless it originated with JTA, Haaretz or another publication (as indicated on the article) and as long as you follow our guidelines. You must credit the Forward, retain our pixel and preserve our canonical link in Google search.  See our full guidelines for more information, and this guide for detail about canonical URLs.

To republish, copy the HTML by clicking on the yellow button to the right; it includes our tracking pixel, all paragraph styles and hyperlinks, the author byline and credit to the Forward. It does not include images; to avoid copyright violations, you must add them manually, following our guidelines. Please email us at [email protected], subject line “republish,” with any questions or to let us know what stories you’re picking up.

We don't support Internet Explorer

Please use Chrome, Safari, Firefox, or Edge to view this site.