Hilchos Marijuanakkah

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By Eli Reiter December 18, 2017

The holiday of lights is super lit. Get holy and high with these Hilchot Marijuanakkah, the real high holy daze.

1) One must light one joint for the first night, and two joints for the second, etc. One must go up in number, not down.

2) One must share their stuff because of the commandment of pirsumai nissah, advertising the miracle of Hannukah.

3) The shamash (“helper”), aka the dealer, can’t get high off of his own supply.

4) Weed oil is preferred, mehudar, but wicks (aka joints) are also okay. Bowls are right out.

5) Virgin seed is mehudar.

6) The miracle of Marijunakkah is that a nickel bag kept the Maccabees high for eight days.

7) Fried munchies. Nuff said.

8) Your weed should be high enough for pedestrians to see but low enough to avoid the Greeks (the police).

9) Only get high at night. It’s not permitted to get high in the daytime hours.

10) After lighting (up), you’re obligated to sing.

11) The Menorah should not be moved after is has been lit. Likewise, don’t go anywhere after lighting up.

12) On Friday evening, smoke more before sunset, because you can’t light up on Shabbat.

13) If one is a guest, he should give the owner a small amount of money to buy a portion of their marijuana; they may fulfil their obligation of Marijuanakkah through the owner.

Caveat emptor: I don’t smoke, but I am addicted to the internet, which helped with this article.

Eli Reiter is a teacher and writer living in New York. He hosts and produces the long-form storytelling show “Long Story Long.” Comments can be emailed to the author directly.

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